Heavens. One has to love a column which contains the sentence, “For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.” It’s just so adorable. You can read it here.

You will notice that this is a cached version. By the time I had read the snarky summary at Huffington Post and decided that I would brave the original, Christian Broadcasting Network had taken it down. You would think such a devout organization would have firmer principles.

Shakespeare, as usual, gives us the exact phrase for this kind of thinking: “so excellently ignorant.” This woman has absolutely no evidentiary structure on which to base her world-view other than her belief in her own fictive lenses. Notice I do not say faith. This is not faith, it is narrative.

I can just imagine the firefight that broke out when this got “reprinted” at CBN. While many of CBN’s readers probably agree with her that Halloween is of the devil, I would bet about half of them looked askance at her hysterically ahistorical take on Harvest Home.

This is the kind of mindset with which it is useless to argue: the jargon, the fictive structure, the blinkered dichotomous worldview—this is a person who has settled into a dopamine fix which rewards the thrills most of us feel when we’re seven years old and nestling in a cardboard box while the monsters roam the backyard around us. This author wouldn’t even understand anything I have just said. She is a Flatlander, and any sphere who approaches her will be greeted by shrieks of “She’s a witch!”

Bless her heart.

I can save the Republicans Party.

No, really, I can. My plan is super easy, and it’s a win/win/win situation.

Here’s the deal. I don’t know if you’ve been following it, but the New York 23rd District special election has gotten pretty strange. The official Republicans Party candidate is one DeDe Scozzafava. She has been endorsed by such luminaries as Newt Gingrich; Michael Steele says, “I support the Republican nominee, as a Republican Party chairman,” Steele said. “And that’s the way to go, right?”

However: Palin, Pawlenty, DeMint, Rohrabacher, Tiahrt and other heavy-hitters have endorsed Doug Hoffman, who does not list any party affiliation on his site, nor does Scozzafava, if it comes to that, but is in fact the candidate of the Conservative Party.

Well.

It seems to me that this is a perfect opportunity for the old-guard Republicans to seize the control of their party back from the conservative whackjobs who currently hold it hostage. They have money, right? Aren’t they the rich people? Pay people to switch to the Conservative/Teabagger/Nutjob Party.

You can’t tell me that those rich white a-h’s don’t know how to do this surreptitiously. They’ve been funding “think tanks” and “fair and balanced” networks and “grassroots movements” for decades now. This ought to be a piece of cake. Just pay Glenn Beck enough money, and he can trigger a mass exodus of the 28%ers from the Republicans Party over to the newly powerful Conservative Party.

And there’s the win/win/win: the nutjobs have their own party that can cater to their anger and prejudice; the Republicans have their party back; and the Democratic Party might have some sane opposition.

Because, and here’s the entire point, the Nutjob Party is made up of barely 28% of the voters. They will never again influence an election. And that, my friends, is change we can believe in.