I whacked out a melody (and harmonized it) for the chorus of “I Would Never” this morning, but I don’t like it. It doesn’t sound like something that Groucho would sing. It’s OK as a melody qua melody, but it doesn’t match the lyrics in a way that I like. Oh, it’s perky enough, especially for those variant lines at the end. That part might stay. It’s the first part that needs work.

Oh, you want to hear it? I don’t know that I should expose myself as such a fraud so close to the end here.

Here you go: iwouldneverchorus.mp3 It starts with “I… would…” held on two fermata’d notes, and then launches into it.

Here are the lyrics:

I would never (he’d never)
I’d never (no never)
deride or disparage an ex:
I’m such a defender
of the delicate gender,
my feelings so tender
for all of the opposite sex.

For Carol was crazy and Lucy was gay,
And as for poor Karrie, well, what can I say?
For much as I’d love to have wrung all their necks,
I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

4 days to go.

I didn’t get a lot done today, at least not on this song. I had been humming out some possibilities, though, on the road to here and there, and by late evening was ready to commit something to Finale.

Well, not even the whole song, actually, just the tagline, “I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.” It was between getting all these other household/family things done, and to serve as a reminder of what was in my head.

It was also an exercise in being able to transcribe what I was hearing without using a keyboard. You perhaps know, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, that I consider my fairly weak in many music basics. What any kid in a garage band can do, sing a line and transcribe it straight to paper, I’m never sure of.

I think that’s a weakness that I could fix if I just stay out of my study and away from the keyboard. The more I practice this kind of thing, the more apt I will become, ne-c’est pas?

5 days to go (!)

Up early this morning so that the painters can come finish the hall and Grayson’s bathroom, and I worked on verses:

Dissociative disorder Delores [thanks, Marc!]
Offered multiple ways to have fun.
When she sang it was always a chorus,
But then she would flourish a gun.

Romanian gymnast Ivana
Had many intriguing techniques.
But then she would take a banana and
Put you off of fruit salad for weeks.

Then there’s the lovely Vanessa,
a scrumptious, delectable dream:
Every time I’d begin to caress her
She’d grab both her buttocks and scream.

I thought I could love Amaryllis,
A waitress I stumbled upon,
But then she would give me the willies
when she followed me into the john.

I need to write actual music for this, but Roger-the-guy-who-fixes-the-air-conditioning is on vacation this week, so I’d have to drag all my stuff down from the study and set it up. I may do that next week if he’s not available soon.

By the way, the big finish will be a huge catalog of names, like a cadenza in a concerto, ending with

[huge catalog]
Leilani, Lolita, Letitia, and Lou,
Ula and Uma and Ursula, too:
For though they were total emotional wrecks,
And never forgetting the excellent sex,
I’d never, no never, (What, never?, Well, hardly ever…) disparage an ex.

I’m on a roll. Herewith the chorus to “I Would Never”:

CHORUS:
I would never (he’d never)
I’d never (no never)
deride or disparage an ex:
I’m such a defender
of the delicate gender,
my feelings so tender
for all of the opposite sex.

For Carol was crazy and Lucy was gay,
And as for poor Karrie, well, what can I say?
For as much as I’d love to have wrung all their necks,
I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

In the last bit, that would change with each repetition.

For Maggie was toothless and Eleanor lisped,
And Susan would sunbathe till burnt to a crisp,
And Alicia most closely resembled T. rex,
But I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

And that last bit I wrote while writing this post. I’m getting very good at this particular trope.

[a short while later]

For Chloe was cross-eyed and Doris a drunk
And Rita regrettably smelled like a skunk.
So I’ll say it again , if no one objects,
I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

For Gladys had gangrene inside of her thigh,
And Molly made innocent children to cry.
For though many have given me herpes simplex,
I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

Whee!

[even later, after another dog walking]

Amanda had scurvy, Felicia was fat,
And Winifred would end a sentence with “at.”
Because with them all I had excellent sex,
I’d never, no never, disparage an ex.

I can’t stop myself. Now I need to pile up actual verses the same way.

Double-ha! I walked the dog tonight and actually wrote lyrics to Thurgood’s song in Act II, wherein, if you will recall, he abuses all kinds of women along the lines of Lydia the Tatooed Lady and Egyptian Ella by denying that he would ever abuse those kinds of women.

The song will be in triple time, like “Lydia.”

Three verses so far (not counting Marc’s lovely “Dissociative Disorder Delores):

There’s a lot you could say for Gertrudë
She was clean and she came when you called.
But I’m afraid I could not have been rudah
When I found she was totally bald.

And then I was dumped by poor Mimi
Because I failed one of her tests:
It was bad that I ran away screaming
When I found that she sported three breasts.

I was ready to wed my dear Julia,
But she threw a wrench in my plan:
“Oh darling, I’m sorry to fool ya,
But you see that I’m really a man!”

And so on and so forth. The chorus will be something like, “I would never… I would never…” something something something.

8 days to go.