For the past four years or so, I have exterminated with prejudice political email from either party for the simple reason that they’re never giving me useful information — they’re merely trying to panic me into giving them money. Therefore, a lot of what is going on in that world escapes my notice, and I’m okay with that.
Recently, though, after its last update, my phone has started alerting me to those emails going into the trash/spam folder in my Google accounts. I don’t know why, and it’s super annoying. After the holiday weekend, I’ll see if I can convince it to cease and desist. (There are a couple of other issues, but that’s between me and Apple.)
Normally I see that the alert is one of those emails and I just ignore it and never see it in my mail app. This morning, however, I decided to click through, and this is what greeted me.
Let’s do a little propaganda lesson, shall we?
1. “We are not safe”: Got to get those amygdalas[1] warmed up right off the bat — OOGA BOOGA! Notice, too, the tribalism of “we.” They never mean all of us, just them.
2. “A confidential internal memorandum”/”TOP SECRET”: Because you — yes you — are a special member of the tribe, privileged even.
3. “horrifying”: Panic word
4. “Deep State is winning the sabotage war”: Winning the what now? What the hell is a “sabotage war”? Is this a new buzzphrase for the amygdala-based lifeforms? A quick search yielded:
And remember that the only thing stopping our tribe from winning is some nameless, all-powerful cabal. It could not possibly be that our policies suck or that the Republican Party represents corporations, not people!
5. “actively undermining”: Because they’re nefarious, evil underminers.
6. “facing a TOTAL WIPE OUT in the next elections”: Okay, I have to give this one to them. They are indeed facing a wipe out. Because of all the Deep State underminers, of course. What other reason could there be? As the great Nate Bergatze is wont to say, “Nobody knows.”
7. “DEVASTATING,” “losing everything”: Panic words
8. “The America you know will be GONE”: You know, that America that we all know and love from 1950s TV shows. Not the one with voting rights, marriage rights, healthcare rights, social safety nets, legal rights, all those things that used to be reserved for the tribe and somehow are now expected by everyone in the country.[2]
9. “too dangerous for the public”: Panic words, but you — yes you — are special enough, cool enough, to take a peek at this full report. With data, KENNETH.
10. “immediately confirm your loyalty to the MAGA movement”: And there it is. If you want to stay in the tribe, if you want to maintain your specialness that somehow the rest of the world fails to see,[3] then you need to confirm your loyalty KENNETH. Which means, of course, give us your money. What, you thought you were just going to check a box that says, “Yes, I am loyal to the MAGA movement”? (Not to be unkind, but yes, that’s probably exactly what the little MAGAt thinks.) (To be fair, I’ve received an equal number of emails from the Democrats with the exact same ploy: “Show your support for [Dem of the Day]!”)
11. “SHOCKING MEMO”: One more panic word, then you need to CONFIRM YOUR STATUS (!) NOW.
Bless their hearts.
Here’s the thing, though: In the past week as these alerts have been jamming my phone (I just got two more as I’ve typed this), it’s been clear that the elections of Nov. 2 have set the MAGA crowd back on their heels. They lost elections all over the place, even in places where they haven’t lost elections in decades. They are, to put it mildly, concerned. The level of panic words in these emails has risen till it’s a flood of fear and anger.
And never, ever, ever do these emails outline policies or programs that they want the amygdala-based lifeforms to vote for. They only dial up the fear and anger to 11, secure in the knowledge that the little MAGAts will vote for them in a panic and never realize that the actual policies that they’re voting for will harm them. (See: Soy bean farmers, hemp farmers, etc.]
What is to be done?
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[1] For those just joining us, I use the phrase “amygdala-based lifeforms” to describe those among us whose brains respond most to fear and anger and sometimes become addicted to those emotions to the extent that they will manufacture things to be angry about/afraid of. See above.
[2] See Wilhoit’s Law: Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.
[3] If you haven’t already, go watch Death by Lightning on Netflix. It’s a four-episode series on the assassination of James Garfield by Charles Guiteau, and Matthew Macfadyen’s performance as Guiteau is as frightening portrayal of this specialness as you have ever seen.