Today we take Grayson to Guilford College.
This is ripping my heart out. I haven’t even allowed myself to think about what we’re doing, even though his stuff is all packed and waiting to be loaded in the van.
He’s asleep in his room. This is it, the last time he wakes up in his room. From now on, he’s a visitor; it will always be a question of when he’s leaving again.
What am I going to do? This child is my best friend, the one with whom I share the most in common, the one with whom I laugh the most. What will I do without him?
Of course it has never occurred to me to try to “keep” him. Only very foolish parents try to do that, those who have deluded themselves into believing that their children understand and reciprocate the deep attachment we have for them. And they are deluded.
So when we get to Guilford, I’m not sure how useful all the sessions on “letting go” are going to be. I know what that’s about. I just can’t stop it from hurting.