Recitative
COUNT
An impossible predicament: anonymous letters,
conspiring chambermaids popping out of closets,
my wife clearly nonplussed,
a man who leaps from windows down to the garden,
then other men claiming to have been the jumper!
I don’t know what to think.
It could quite possibly be one of the servants—
those people sometimes forget what their place is.
But my Contessa? She’s above all suspicion.
She has too much respect for herself,
and for my honor... my honor...
Where the hell have the idiots around me forced it?
(The Countess and Susanna enter at rear, unseen by the Count.)
COUNTESS
Go, have courage—tell him—
that you’ll meet him in the garden.
COUNT
I must know if Cherubino arrived in Seviglia,
so I’ve sent that numbskull Basilio.
SUSANNA
Oh, heavens—and Figaro?
COUNTESS
Don’t tell him what we’re up to.
I promise I will let him know before this evening.
COUNT
Before this evening he’ll be back with the truth.
SUSANNA
Oh mercy, don’t make me!
COUNTESS
No, wait—in your hands resides my future.
(She gives Susanna a purse of money, then leaves.)
COUNT
And Susanna? Who knows, there is the chance
she’s blabbed about our encounter.
Oh, if she’s tattled, he’ll marry that old woman!
SUSANNA
Marcellina!
Signor...
COUNT
What do you want here?
SUSANNA
You look like you are angry...
COUNT
Perhaps you have a point?
SUSANNA
Signor... the poor Contessa is having
one of her migraines,
and she wants you to send her the Bufferin.
COUNT
Here, take it.
SUSANNA
I’ll bring it right back.
COUNT
Oh, no, just keep the bottle all for yourself.
SUSANNA
For me? Servants don’t have time
to get maladies like migraines.
COUNT
Even if... she loses her beloved the day of her wedding?
SUSANNA
By paying Marcellina with the money,
with the dowry that you promised...
COUNT
I promised you a dowry?
SUSANNA
I understood you meant to...
COUNT
Yes, if your understanding dovetailed with my meaning.
SUSANNA
Well, now I’m ready to see your Lordship’s point,
if you want to show me.
COUNT
So cold, you left me freezing—
Why such a cruel response?
So why so cold?
Why such a cruel response?
SUSANNA
Signor, a woman’s teasing’s
hers for whenever she wants.
COUNT
So then tonight, you’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
If that’s your will, I will.
COUNT
This time, you will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
No, I can’t wait until!
COUNT
You’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
Sì!
COUNT
You will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
No!
COUNT
You will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
Can’t wait until!
No, I can’t wait until!
COUNT
My sighing turns into flying,
buoyed by the joy in my heart!
SUSANNA
Forgive me if I’m lying,
to play a lover’s part.
COUNT
So then tonight you’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
If that’s your will, I will.
COUNT
This time you will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
No, I can’t wait until.
COUNT
You’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
Sì!
COUNT
You will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
No!
COUNT
Tonight you’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
No!
COUNT
No??
SUSANNA
Sì!
If that’s your will, I will!
COUNT
You will not cheat me?
SUSANNA
No!
COUNT
Tonight you’ll meet me?
SUSANNA
Sì!
COUNT
And never cheat me?
SUSANNA
Sì!
COUNT
Sì??
SUSANNA
No!
I can’t wait until!
COUNT
My sighing turns into flying,
buoyed by the joy in my heart,
buoyed by my joyful heart!
SUSANNA
Forgive me if I’m lying,
to play a lover’s part,
I play a lover’s part.
Recitative
COUNT
And so why were you such a little tease
with me this morning?
SUSANNA
Because the page was with us.
COUNT
But with Basilio, you would never deal with him.
SUSANNA
Why would we need such a fool as Basilio?
COUNT
So true, so true...
So I have your promise...
if you don’t come, I’ll perish.
But the Contessa, she’s waiting for her Bufferin.
SUSANNA
Oh, that was nothing, I made that up
so I could come to meet you.
COUNT
My dearest!
SUSANNA
Be careful!
COUNT
(And so I’ve got her!
SUSANNA
(That fool—he’s way too easy!
Good thing I’m honest!)
(Figaro enters behind.)
FIGARO
Hey, Susanna, what’s up?
SUSANNA
Quiet! Without a lawyer, we have won our verdict!
FIGARO
What’s the deal here?
(They exit.)
COUNT
They have won without a lawyer?
What the hell now?
What kind of fool have I been here?
Perfidy!
I’m going to...
I’m going to punish them... in a way that...
...way that will be so...
Just you wait and see!
But then again, if he pays Marcellina?
How can he? With empty pockets?
Then there’s Antonio:
I know he’s not impresssed enough by Figaro
to give his niece away in matrimony!
I can keep him on my side with no more than a bottle.
It’s all going my way now! I’ll win this battle!
Why should I stand here calmly
and allow my own disgraces,
while he enjoys embraces
I never will attain?
And why should my Susanna
so deeply, truly love him
when I, so far above him,
rouse feelings of disdain,
get nothing but disdain?
Why so?
Well, here’s my wedding present:
a life not worth possessing—
you were not born, you peasant,
to love without my blessing,
to laugh and scorn my misery,
the love I love in vain.
So fate decrees my sentence:
life without hope of loving—
I’ll turn my life to vengeance,
and make my joy your pain!
(The Count exits.)
(Barbarina enters with Cherubino.)
BARBARINA
Come on, come on, pretty pageboy!
We’re going to my cottage and get together
with all the prettiest ladies in the village.
And you will be the cutest girl of all.
CHERUBINO
Ah, if the Count should discover me one more time!
You know he thinks I’ve already left for Seviglia.
BARBARINA
And so what if he finds you?
It’s not as if that would be a big shocker.
Listen—we’ll dress you like one of us as bridesmaids—
then we’ll all go and pick some flowers
to present to our Madama.
Have faith, O Cherubin, in Barbarina!
(They exit.)
(The Countess enters.)
COUNTESS
And Susanna’s not here!
I’m so nervous—to know whether he fell for
our dubious proposal.
I can’t believe this, that we’d try such a scheme!
And with a husband who’s so angry and so jealous!
And what of that?
It’s just me in a costume that he thinks is Susanna,
and her in my clothes...
and with night as a cover...
Oh heavens! What madness am I reduced to?
It’s all because of that unfeeling, cruel man!
Look what he’s done to me with all his unheard-of
infidelity, jealousy, disdain—
first he loved me, then abused me, and last betrays me.
Now I have nothing but help from a servant...
How did love go,
moments of sweetness,
times of bright days and cloudless nights?
Now his promises
change from completeness
to his “maybe”s and his “might”s.
How unfair that when my sun changed,
and I walked in cloudy tears,
that my memory was left unchanged
of my lovely summer years.
But, if then my love’s unchanging,
though he’s driven us apart,
I will find a way of rearranging
his ungrateful, cheating heart!
(She exits.)
(Don Curzio enters, followed by Marcellina, Figaro, Bartolo, and the Count.)
Recitative
DON CURZIO
My decision is final:
either pay her or marry her.
Now keep your mouth shut!
MARCELLINA
I can breathe now.
FIGARO
I’m a dead man.
MARCELLINA
At last the man I love will be my husband!
FIGARO
But my lord, I must protest this!
COUNT
A masterful verdict:
either payment or marriage—Bravo, Don Curzio!
DON CURZIO
Why thank you, Excellency.
BARTOLO
What a perfect sentence!
FIGARO
Who says it’s perfect?
BARTOLO
We have at last our vengeance!
FIGARO
I’m not marrying that harpy!
BARTOLO
I’ll bet you are.
DON CURZIO
Either pay her or marry her!
MARCELLINA
I loaned you money because I thought you loved me!
FIGARO
I am a nobleman, and only my parents of course
can give their permission...
COUNT
Ha, these parents, where are they?
FIGARO
You see if you can find them.
I myself have searched for them for a decade!
BARTOLO
You were a foundling bastard?
FIGARO
No, “lost” would be more like it, or better, “stolen.”
COUNT
Yeah, right.
MARCELLINA
What’s that?
BARTOLO
Your proof, then?
DON CURZIO
There is some evidence?
FIGARO
Gold, and some jewelry, and rich, embroidered clothing—
all these were found on my person
at such a young and tender age,
I think anyone can see it clearly:
I was born as a noble,
and further proof is here on my shoulder,
I have a little birthmark.
MARCELLINA
It’s a spatula on your lefthand shoulder!
FIGARO
Hey, who told you that?
MARCELLINA
Oh God... it’s you then!
FIGARO
Of course it’s me then...
DON CURZIO
Who?
COUNT
Who?
BARTOLO
Who?
MARCELLINA
Rafaello!
BARTOLO
And robbers left you where?
FIGARO
Right near a castle.
BARTOLO
Behold your mother!
FIGARO
My nursemaid?
BARTOLO
No—your mother!
DON CURZIO, COUNT
His mother??
FIGARO
What the hell now?
MARCELLINA
And there’s your father!
MARCELLINA
Come and hug your loving mother,
you’re my child from days of yore.
FIGARO
And to you, my doting father,
I your loving son restore.
BARTOLO
No resistance, for my conscience
I no longer can ignore.
DON CURZIO
He’s his father? She’s his mother?
Wedding’s off, forevermore!
COUNT
Well, confound it, I’m astounded,
I should head on out that door.
MARCELLINA, BARTOLO
Son beloved!
FIGARO
Beloved parents!
(Susanna enters.)
SUSANNA
Just a minute there, your Lordship,
here’s the ransom for his hardship.
It’s a thousand crowns for Figaro,
it’s to set him at liberty.
DON CURZIO, COUNT
I’m not sure that’s a good omen
over there, you look and see.
SUSANNA
Has he made up with that woman?
So much for fidelity!
You’re an asshole!
FIGARO
Such a martyr!
Listen, my precious, listen...
SUSANNA
Listen harder!
(slaps him.)
MARCELLINA, BARTOLO, FIGARO
Aw, how darling, her abusing
looks/feels like true love there to me.
DON CURZIO, COUNT
I’m/He’s so mad my/his brain is fusing,
I’ve/He’s been screwed by destiny.
MARCELLINA
Now don’t let this bug you,
it’s not what it looks like,
his mother will hug you,
his mother—that’s me!
SUSANNA
His mother?
BARTOLO
His mother!
SUSANNA
His mother?
COUNT
His mother!
SUSANNA
His mother?
DON CURZIO
His mother!
SUSANNA
His mother?
MARCELLINA
His mother!
SUSANNA
His mother?
MARCELLINA, DON CURZIO, COUNT, BARTOLO
His mother! His mother!
SUSANNA
Your mother?
FIGARO
And this is my father,
even he will agree.
SUSANNA
His father?
BARTOLO
His father!
SUSANNA
His father?
COUNT
His father!
SUSANNA
His father?
DON CURZIO
His father!
SUSANNA
His father?
MARCELLINA
His father!
MARCELLINA, DON CURZIO, COUNT, BARTOLO
His father, his father!
SUSANNA
Your father?
FIGARO
So these are my parents,
we all can agree,
my mother—we all can agree,
my father—we all can agree.
SUSANNA, MARCELLINA, BARTOLO, FIGARO
The joy is returning
to my heart’s true yearning,
I can’t stop this moment
from bursting in me.
DON CURZIO, COUNT
The anger is burning
in my heart’s wild churning,
I can’t stop this moment
from bursting in me.
(The Count and Don Curzio exit.)
Recitative
MARCELLINA
See, my dear friend, before us,
the sweetest fruit of our former indiscretions.
BARTOLO
Why dwell on follies too foolish to remember—
he is my son now, and you are my wife.
We’ll be married whenever you decide.
MARCELLINA
Today—a double ceremony!
Take this—it’s the contract for the money you owed me—
and your dowry.
SUSANNA
(Picks up the purse from the floor.)
Don’t forget this trifle!
BARTOLO
(Tossing him a purse.)
And here’s another!
FIGARO
Bravo! Keep throwing them and I’ll keep catching!
SUSANNA
I’ve got to go and tell them what has happened—
Madama and my uncle!
Who knows why I’m so happy?
FIGARO
I do!
BARTOLO
I do!
MARCELLINA
I do!
SUSANNA, MARCELLINA, BARTOLO, FIGARO
As long as I am happy—
the Count can go to hell!
(They exit.)
(Antonio enters, followed by the Count.)
Recitative
ANTONIO
I am telling you, Signor, that Cherubino
is still inside the castle,
and if you needed proof, then here’s his hat!
COUNT
I don’t see how that’s possible,
since he left for Seviglia hours ago.
ANTONIO
Excuse me, I guess Seviglia is at my house now,
since he dressed as a woman, and look—
he left all his underwear behind.
COUNT
Perfidy!
ANTONIO
Come one, I’ll show you where to find him.
(They exit.)
(The Countess and Susanna enter.)
COUNTESS
I don’t believe it—so how did he take it?
SUSANNA
You could see the anger and his awful frustration!
COUNTESS
Well, then—he’ll fall more easily in our trap.
This evening’s assignation, where did he say he’d meet you?
SUSANNA
In the garden.
COUNTESS
Let’s be more specific.
Write him!
SUSANNA
Me, write him? But Signora!
COUNTESS
Come, take dictation.
I’ll take responsibility.
Start if off with, “My darling...”
SUSANNA
“My darling...”
COUNTESS
“Now all through the night
soft breezes bear...”
SUSANNA
“...night soft breezes bear...”
COUNTESS
“... my sweet scent of love to you...”
SUSANNA
“...my sweet scent of love to you...”
COUNTESS
“...By the gazebo, meet me there...”
SUSANNA
The gazebo?
COUNTESS
“...By the gazebo, meet me there...”
SUSANNA
“...the gazebo...”
COUNTESS
“...For the rest, you will know what to do...”
SUSANNA
Yes, I think he will know what to do.
SUSANNA, COUNTESS
Yes, I am sure he will know what to do.
COUNTESS
He will love this: “My darling...”
etc.
Recitative
SUSANNA
I’ve got it folded.
What should I use to seal it?
COUNTESS
I know, use this straight pin.
You can seal it with that.
No, hold on, write this on the back of the letter:
“Please return this seal to me.”
SUSANNA
A bit more clever than all this business so far.
COUNTESS
Quickly, conceal it—I hear someone approaching.
(Chorus of girls enter; Chrubino disguised among them.)
CHORUS:
Lovely Madame, see these roses,
gathered on our morning stroll:
just like you their beauty discloses
how true love should be our goal.
It is true that we’re nothing but peasants,
and we’ve little to give you as presents,
but the little that we live with,
we will give with all our soul.
Recitative
BARBARINA
These are, gracious Madama,
just some girls from around here,
and though they’re poor, decided that they wanted
to bring you flowers that they grew in their gardens.
COUNTESS
How lovely! I thank you.
SUSANNA
They are really quite pretty.
COUNTESS
Tell me, dears, who is that one?
She’s as precious as a kitten,
so quiet and so modest!
BARBARINA
That’s just my country cousin—
she just arrived for the wedding this morning.
COUNTESS
I’d like to honor this shy, retiring maiden—
come over here, and give me your flowers.
Look at her blushing! Susanna, what do you think...
she reminds me of someone.
SUSANNA
It’s damned amazing.
(Antonio and the Count enter. Antonio marches straight over to Cherubino and pulls off his wig.)
ANTONIO
Eh, lookee here, sir, see, there’s your stinkin’ officer!
COUNTESS
Oh, heavens!
SUSANNA
(What an asshole!)
COUNT
Well, then, Madama?
COUNTESS
I am, my honored husband,
as amazed and irritated as you yourself are.
COUNT
But this morning...
COUNTESS
This morning... we had planned to dress him
just like you see him here, just like a bridesmaid,
but this is his own doing.
COUNT
So why haven’t you left yet?
CHERUBINO
Signor!
COUNT
I’m going to punish your flagrant disobedience!
BARBARINA
Excellency! Excellency!
You remember, you said, every time you hugged
and kissed me, when we were smooching:
“Barbarina, if you’ll love me,
I will give you anything you ask for”?
COUNT
I said that?
BARBARINA
Yes, sir, so if you give me Cherubino to be my husband,
then I assure you, I’ll love you like my kitten.
COUNTESS
Well, my dear, sounds like a bargain.
ANTONIO
(Brava, my daughter, you’ve learned your lessons,
you can teach the class now.)
COUNT
(I’d love to know what forces...
divine or... mere human are determined to drive me crazy!)
(Figaro enters.)
FIGARO
Signor, if you detain these lovely girls any longer,
then goodbye to feasting and dancing.
COUNT
Hold on, is it safe to dance on such a twisted ankle?
FIGARO
It feels a whole lot better...
Come on, you lovely ladies.
COUNTESS
(to Susanna)
(How on earth will he wriggle out of this one?)
SUSANNA
(It should be quite fascinating.)
COUNT
And weren’t you lucky, those flowerpots were terra cotta!
FIGARO
Oh, yeah, lucky...
Let’s get a move on— Come on now...
ANTONIO
And in the meantime, Cherubino galloped
all the way to Seviglia.
FIGARO
Maybe galloped, maybe trotted, Bon Voyage!
Let’s go, let’s start this party!
COUNT
And his commission, he left behind in your pocket?
FIGARO
Sure, whatever.
(Such repetitious questions!)
ANTONIO
(to Susanna, who has been gesturing to Figaro)
He doesn’t understand you, so you can stop that.
(Drags Cherubino forward.)
And here’s the man who knows that my
nephew-in-law-to-be is a liar!
FIGARO
Cherubino?
ANTONIO
Now you know.
FIGARO
(to the Count)
What are they up to?
COUNT
Well, here’s a clue:
he’s saying that Cherubino jumped onto the geraniums.
FIGARO
You don’t say!
Oh well, once I showed them how,
it was perfectly easy for a copycat to follow.
COUNT
Presposterous!
FIGARO
Eh, whyso?
I never claim to know things I don’t know!
FIGARO
There’s our procession—let’s go now—
get to your places, you bridesmaids to your places...
The bride herself goes in...
SUSANNA
(Takes Figaro’s arm.)
Here we go!
(They exit after the bridesmaids.)
COUNT
God, I hate them!
COUNTESS
My soul is frozen!
COUNT
Contessa...
COUNTESS
Don’t even speak now!
Here come two happy couples
whom we must greet in joy.
(She turns sharply to him.)
Try to remember—
she is still my attendant.
Be seated.
COUNT
Be seated.
(And meditate on vengeance!)
(The wedding party comes in. Bartolo carries some kind of traditional bridal wreath for Susanna; Figaro the same for Marcellina. Bartolo leads Susanna over to the Count. She kneels while the Count places the wreath on her head. She pretends it’s not on straight, and when the Count straightens it, she slips him the note. Figaro brings Marcellina forward for her wreath, etc.)
TWO GIRLS
True Love soars above us
like doves on the wing;
Love’s beauty, Love’s duty,
Oh now let us sing.
This ring you’re possessing,
your love you’re professing,
so here is our blessing
on your wedding.
CHORUS
Three cheers for our couples
and our grand Signor!
Fandango
(General dancing. The Count goes to one side to open his note. He sticks himself with the pin and tosses it aside.)
COUNT
Eh, how typical of women—
a pin where it can stick you—
so muddle-headed...
Ah, ha! Ah, now I get it!
(He begins to look for the pin.)
FIGARO
(He has seen the Count; comments to Susanna.)
Look at that, someone’s given him a note,
probably some assignation...
She sealed it with a pin to pique his interest
and he’s hurt his little finger.
That Narcissus has lost it—what a blind man!
(The dancing ends. The Count toasts.)
COUNT
Now, friends and neighbors,
let’s finish off these weddings
with every kind of wild celebration,
with a big costume party!
And so let’s party our cares away till morning
with dancing, and fireworks,
and a banquet, and more dancing!
You all shall witness how I treat those whom I love,
and those who love me!
CHORUS
True Love soars above us
like doves on the wing;
The wedding’s over,
so let’s have a fling.
It’s no use concealing
the champagne we’re feeling,
so here’s to love, it’s really
an excellent thing!
Three cheers for our couples
and our grand Signor!
End of ACT III