ACT II

No. 10: Cavatina

COUNTESS

God of love, restore him to me,

Ease my sorrow, my grieving sigh.

If he will no longer woo me,

Oh, in mercy let me die!

RECITATIVE

(Susanna enters.)

COUNTESS

Come in, my dear ,

and finish this morning’s story.

SUSANNA

That’s all there is.

COUNTESS

So he tried to seduce you...

SUSANNA

Oh, his lordship...

he pays me the compliment

of pretending I’m attractive.

I’m sure I’m just a matter of pride to him.

COUNTESS

But it’s clear he doesn’t love me!

SUSANNA

Then why is he so jealous of you?

COUNTESS

That’s how all modern husbands are these days:

systematically unfaithful, brilliant rationalizers,

and out of vanity insanely jealous.

But your Figaro loves you,

and if one man can...

(Figaro enters singing.)

SUSANNA

Figaro, come here, sweety,

Madama’s been waiting.

FIGARO

What’s to worry?

She should leave this alone—

since after all it’s nothing—

his lordship takes a fancy to my fiancée,

and that’s as good a reason as anyone needs to...

to restore his feudal options.

It’s perfectly possible—

and even natural.

COUNTESS

Possible?

SUSANNA

Natural??

FIGARO

Oh, very natural.

And if Susanna says so, very possible.

SUSANNA

You’d better come to a point soon.

FIGARO

That is the point.

He’s already appointed me as diplomat courier,

and our Susanna as the secret adviser to the embassy.

And since she keeps refusing the honor

clearly meant to be her destiny,

he thinks he might support old Marcellina,

and that’s the deal in a nutshell.

SUSANNA

You have some nerve to joke about this!

It’s no laughing matter!

FIGARO

Not a problem—

if I’m thinking while I’m laughing.

So here’s our project:

Basilio has found a letter,

which I’m sure the Count will love,

says during the costume party,

there will be a nice meeting between you and your lover!

COUNTESS

O heavens! What are you saying?

You know he’s a jealous madman!

FIGARO

That’s even better— we can embarrass him even faster,

keep him busy, keep him running,

just keep him totally rattled,

his mind full of suspicions,

forever checking closets and under beds,

never knowing what is going on all around him—

And then tonight we'll spring our little trap.

By then we'll already've gotten married—

And you will have him back where you say you want him.

SUSANNA

Perhaps, but what about your fiancée Marcellina?

FIGARO

No, listen! What if he hears through the grapevine,

you are ready to meet him in the garden this evening?

Our little Cherubino, who hasn’t left

because I told him not to,

we’ll put him in your costume and send him

to the garden for this meeting.

And out of all this lunacy,

we’ll find the Count surprised by Madama

and awakened to see his own folly.

COUNTESS

(to Susanna)

What do you think?

SUSANNA

It could work...

COUNTESS

Our situation...

SUSANNA

And if he will fall for it...

But is there time?

FIGARO

He’s gone hunting this morning;

that’ll keep him busy for at least a couple of hours.

I’m going, and I’ll send Cherubino straight over.

You can have fun making him a lady.

COUNTESS

And then?

FIGARO

And then...

(Sings)

Dance with me Count and you’ll learn a new tango,

such a fandango you never have known!

(Exits.)

COUNTESS

How embarrassing, Susanna,

that this boy should have heard my husband

destroying his own reputation.

You can’t imagine...

Why didn’t he approach me and request help for himself?

And what about this song?

SUSANNA

Here it is. Let’s be mean and make him sing it for us.

Hold on—someone’s here—it’s him!

(Cherubino enters.)

Report for duty, Signor Capitano!

CHERUBINO

Don’t call me that!

It’s not something I wanted.

And it reminds me I have to leave my patroness,

one who is famed for her goodness.

SUSANNA

And also beauty.

CHERUBINO

Oh, yes, for sure.

SUSANNA

“Oh, yes, for sure.”

You little hypocrite! The poem you were reading,

just this morning, remember?

Madama wants you to sing it.

COUNTESS

But who’s the author?

SUSANNA

Oh, look now, it seems his rosy cheeks

are turning even pinker!

What's the matter now, you little stinker?

CHERUBINO

This makes me really nervous.

But if Madama wants me...

SUSANNA

She does, sir, she does,

so sing your song now.

No. 11: Arietta

CHERUBINO

Ladies, confide in me, from where is love?

Is it inside me, is it above?

I do not understand, I’m so new at this:

Should I try holding hands, should I try to kiss?

Each new emotion spins me around,

Too much commotion, now not a sound.

Freezing, my soul burns, bursting into flame,

Fire, ice both take their turns, Love’s shameful game

I seek Love’s blessing—but from whom?

Love keeps me guessing —is Love in bloom?

I sigh and moan a lot—I donít know why—

I cry alone a lot—I want to die!

There is no peace for me, night time or day,

but Love’s increase for me, for that I pray.

Ladies, confide in me, what shall I do?

Teach me to understand how Love is true..

I want to understand how Love is true.

RECITATIVE

COUNTESS

Bravo! A lovely voice!

Who knew that you were such a good singer?

SUSANNA

Not only that, but everything he does,

he does well. And now, handsome soldier,

Figaro told you all?

CHERUBINO

I think I’ve got it.

SUSANNA

Let’s see how this will work...

This should be okay...

we’re about the same height here.

(or: we can squeeze the dress on you.)

Let’s get started.

COUNTESS

In here?

SUSANNA

No reason not to...

COUNTESS

But what if someone comes in?

SUSANNA

Let them! It’s not an orgy.

For you, we’ll lock the door.

Now, what are we going to do with his hair?

COUNTESS

One of my wigs from the dressing room will do.

Quickly!

(Susanna goes into the dressing room. The Countess finds Cherubino’s commission sticking out of his jacket pocket.)

What’s this, a love note?

CHERUBINO

My commission.

COUNTESS

Such efficiency! Unheard of!

CHERUBINO

Basilio brought it to me.

COUNTESS

(handing it back to him)

In his hurry, my lord the Count forgot to sign it.

SUSANNA

(Reenters with dress and wig.)

He forgot to sign what?

COUNTESS

This boy’s commission.

SUSANNA

Good gracious, what a rush job!

Here is the wig.

COUNTESS

Let’s hurry—while we have time.

It would be just my luck if the Count were to show up.

No. 12: Aria

SUSANNA

Come, kneel in this vicinity,

and stay there, do not move.

We’ll plan your femininity—

Bravo! Yes, I approve!

Now let’s begin our lavishing—

olá, a dress on loan, from me a dress on loan.

Turn this-a-way, turn that-a-way—

You’re absolutely ravishing!

Madama’s stunned as stone!

We’ll hide your muscularity—

that husky baritone—

forgive my familiarity—

Madama, did you groan?

Stay very still now, donít make it hard for me,

Now, look at me—Bravo!

Let’s tighten up this lacing—

(or: That hemline should be higher)

A girl could not be finer—

Your eyes—more self-effacing—

(or: Your eyes—they should be shyer)

A pity he’s a minor,

We’ll get him when he’s grown.

Just look at his complexion,

Adonis’s reflection—

Is anyone as sexy?

He’ll give you apoplexy,

his waistline is so slender,

his glances are so tender,

his hair, his eyes, his shoulder,

it makes a woman bolder—

So when the girls get you alone,

they’ll want you for their own.

RECITATIVE

COUNTESS

What a lot of nonsense!

SUSANNA

I’m even jealous of him now myself.

Hey, little serpent, who told you

you’re allowed to be so pretty?

COUNTESS

Let’s finish this insanity!

We need to raise that sleeve up

towards his shoulder—

That way, the dress should fit more smoothly

and help with his movement.

SUSANNA

How’s this?

COUNTESS

Up closer—like that.

Is that my ribbon?

SUSANNA

He stole it just this morning.

COUNTESS

And what’s this bloodstain?

CHERUBINO

That bloodstain...

I don’t know how... but I slipped in the hall

on a slick spot... I scratched myself on a corner.

So I bound the abrasion with this ribbon.

SUSANNA

Let me see... It’s okay—

but look here—his arm is smoother than mine is,

perfectly lovely!

COUNTESS

I’ve told you, stop this playing!

Go to my dressing room

and get me that bottle of mercurochrome.

(Susanna goes out.)

As for the ribbon... I’d hate to lose it.

It’s one... one of my favorites—

one of my favorite colors...

SUSANNA

(reenters)

Here’s the bottle...

How will we hide his booboo?

COUNTESS

Go get a bandaid—That will do just as well.

(Susanna exits)

CHERUBINO

Ah, the ribbon would have healed me faster.

COUNTESS

Howso? Why not a bandaid?

CHERUBINO

Because the ribbon...

it’s tied the hair...

or touched the skin of one...

of one who...

COUNTESS

So it has miraculous healing powers?

Who’d have guessed it?

It’s full of magic I had not suspected!

CHERUBINO

Madama’s laughing...

and I must leave her presence!

COUNTESS

Poor boy, how unhappy!

CHERUBINO

I’m miserable!

COUNTESS

You’re crying?

CHERUBINO

Oh God, why can’t I quickly perish?

Then, as the breath departed my body,

these lips would get the courage...

COUNTESS

Are you crazy?

Have you lost your senses?

(There is knocking at the door.)

Who’s knocking at my door?

COUNT

Why’s this door locked?

COUNTESS

Ah, my husband!

Oh heavens! I’m finished!

And you without your pants on!

Don’t take the dress off!

He got that note from Figaro!

There’s no telling what he’ll do now!

COUNT

What’s taking so long?

COUNTESS

No, I’m alone!

I mean... I’m alone, yes!

COUNT

Who are you talking to?

COUNTESS

To you, dear, that’s all, just to you!

CHERUBINO

Oh my God, this is awful!

I’ve to hide here!

(Hides in closet.)

Protect me from my master!

COUNTESS

How will we survive this incredible disaster?

(She locks the closet, throws Cherubino’s clothes out the window, then lets the Count in.)

COUNT

Well, this is new—since when do you lock

all the doors to your chambers?

COUNTESS

That’s right... but I was...

I just thought I’d try on some...

COUNT

You’d try on some...?

COUNTESS

Some recent ballgowns!

And Susanna was here helping,

but she went into her own room.

COUNT

At any rate, you don’t seem altogether peaceful.

(Shows her the letter.)

Here, look at this and read it.

COUNTESS

(Heavens! It’s Figaro’s misbegotten letter!)

(Cherubino promptly knocks something over in the closet.)

COUNT

Wait! Did you hear that racket in there?

It sounded like something fell in your closet!

COUNTESS

I didn’t hear a thing!

COUNT

You must have something distracting your attention.

COUNTESS

Like what?

COUNT

Someone is in there!

COUNTESS

Who on earth could it be, then?

COUNT

Oh, you tell me—I only just arrived here.

COUNTESS

Of course, Susanna, she’s in there.

COUNT

Didn’t you just say she went into her “own room”?

COUNTESS

Into her own room... or in there...

I didn’t notice.

COUNT

Susanna...

so why would you be upset about this matter?

COUNTESS

(Forcing a laugh.)

You mean my own maid?

COUNT

I’m sure I don’t know,

but you’re upset about something.

COUNTESS

I think this girl has upset you

far more than she ever has me!

COUNT

You think I’m upset?

Want to see upset?

Just watch me!

No. 13: Trio

COUNT

Susanna, you come out now—

I expect you to obey!

COUNTESS

She cannot come... right out, now,

there’ll be a small delay.

SUSANNA

Why do they yell and shout now?

The pageboy’s run away?

COUNT

Who’s there? donít keep me guessing!

COUNTESS

It’s just that... it’s just her... modesty!

That’s it: she’s in there dressing,

as any fool can see.

COUNT

It’s clear that she’s confessing,

her lover’s tucked away.

COUNTESS

This can’t get more distressing,

my brain’s in disarray.

SUSANNA

My laughter I’m suppressing,

let’s watch this little play.

COUNT

Susanna!

COUNTESS

She cannot come!

COUNT

You’re coming out now!

COUNTESS

Stay in there!

COUNT

Come out now!

COUNTESS

She cannot come!

COUNT

You must obey!

COUNTESS

I think she’d better stay!

COUNT

Well, why is she so quiet?

Susanna, answer me now.

COUNTESS

No, no, no, no, no, never!

I order you, be silent!

Be silent! Be silent!

COUNT

My dearest wife, consider,

a scandal’s immorality

can be avoided here.

SUSANNA

Oh, geez, he’s going to hit her!

A scandalous brutality

seems definitely near!

COUNTESS

My husband dear, consider,

a scandal’s immorality

can be avoided here.

COUNT

Think carefully!

COUNTESS

Think carefully!

SUSANNA

Oh, heavens, it’s getting hairy,

a scandalous brutality

that cannot be ignored.

COUNT

My dearest wife, think carefully,

a scandal’s immorality

is what we’re heading toward.

COUNTESS

My husband, dear, think carefully,

a scandal’s immorality

is what we’re heading toward.

RECITATIVE

COUNT

So, you won’t unlock this closet?

COUNTESS

And why should I submit myself to such indignity?

COUNT

Well, then, no problem—

we’ll just use force to open it.

Hey, people!

COUNTESS

Stop it!

You’re willing to expose your folly to all our household?

COUNT

You’re right there. I panicked.

I can certainly solve this

without dragging the servants into it,

which would be a pity.

I’ll go and get a crowbar.

You can wait for me here—

on second thought, maybe you should come and go with me.

And to make sure, we’ll just lock this door behind us.

COUNTESS

This is a nightmare!

COUNT

Now, if you don’t mind, madame,

let’s go and look for our crowbar—

so take my arm and we’ll go—together.

COUNTESS

Together...

COUNT

Susanna, don’t go away now: we’ll come and get you.

(They exit, locking the door.)

No. 14: Duet

SUSANNA

Come out of Madame’s closet,

come out, it’s just Susanna,

Get out now, get out now,

get while the going’s good!

CHERUBINO

Oh God, what a predicament,

this isn’t looking good!

SUSANNA

Donít stand there like a ninny!

That way, that way!

This way, this way!

SUSANNA, CHERUBINO

The door cannot be opened,

He’s locked the door, we’re going to die.

CHERUBINO

I’ll go back to the closet!

SUSANNA

He’ll kill you if he finds you!

CHERUBINO

He’ll kill me if he finds me!

Hey, what about this window?

It opens on the garden!

SUSANNA

Donít do it, Cherubino!

Donít do it, for my sake!

CHERUBINO

A vase or two of flowers,

that’s all that I could break...

SUSANNA

It’s much too high to jump here,

donít do it, for my sake!

CHERUBINO

I can’t hide in the closet,

he’ll kill me if he finds me...

SUSANNA

It’s much too high to jump here,

donít do it, for my sake!

CHERUBINO

Let me go!

I would run through fire

to save her sacred honor—

Oh, take my kisses to her!

Addio! And here I go!

SUSANNA

He’ll kill himself for certain!

He’ll kill himself, I know!

RECITATIVE

SUSANNA

Look at the little devil—he’s already halfway over the horizon!

Let me get in the closet—no time for hesitating.

When that bully returns, I’ll be there waiting.

(She hides in the closet. The Count and Countess reenter.)

COUNT

It’s all just as we left it—

so will you open it yourself, or shall I...

shall I force it?

COUNTESS

Ah, no, hold on!

Listen to me just a moment—

Do you really think I could...

lose my honor like that?

COUNT

Say whatever you like,

I’m going in that closet

to see who’s hiding there.

COUNTESS

Sure, yes, you will see, then,

but listen to me calmly...

COUNT

So it’s not your Susanna?

COUNTESS

No—there’s no easy way to tell you

how this all happened—

your suspicions are so rank!

See, for this evening,

just an innocent prank—

you’ll see, you’ll just die laughing—

I swear it’s nothing!

On my honor! As you see!

COUNT

Who is it?? Tell me!!

And then I’ll kill him!

COUNTESS

Just listen—Ah, I can’t speak!

COUNT

No, tell me!

COUNTESS

Just a boy...

COUNT

Just a boy?

COUNTESS

Yes... Cherubino...

COUNT

Why is it my destiny

to be confronted by that boy everywhere?

Hello! Hasn’t he left yet?

Little bastard!

Oh, I see your conspiracy all against me—

He’s your young lover!

Now the letter’s convinced me!

No. 15: Finale

COUNT

Now, you sneaky little bastard,

make it fast or pay the price!

COUNTESS

Ah, such fury— Are you sure he—

For my sake you should think twice.

COUNT

You’re still trying to finesse it?

You’re still trying to finesse it!

COUNTESS

No, just listen—

COUNT

Just confess it!

COUNTESS

No, just listen—

COUNT

Just confess it!

COUNTESS

Heaven help me with its best care!

How you’ll find him, I can’t express it—

in his boxers, and his chest bare...

COUNT

In his boxers?? And his chest bare??

And I’m excessive??

COUNTESS

We’re disguising him discreetly!

COUNT

Oh, I understand completely!

You’re the blot upon my life!

COUNTESS

Your behavior is an outrage

to the honor of your wife!

COUNT

Hand it over!

COUNTESS

That boy is blameless!

And you know it!

COUNT

I know one thing:

Go, and leave my sight this instant,

you unholy, faithless woman,

you’re an absolute disgrace.

COUNTESS

I’ll go... yes... but...

COUNT

I’m not listening!

COUNTESS

But...

COUNT

I’m not listening!

COUNTESS

I’m not guilty!

COUNT

Your face betrays you!

First, I’ll kill him, and with pleasure,

little bastard’s going to die!

COUNTESS

Jealous rages without measure,

they will blow us all sky-high!

COUNT

(opens the closet)

Susanna!

COUNTESS

Susanna!

SUSANNA

My lord, sir?

What’s this drooping sword, sir?

You’ll need a firm grip, sir,

if you’re going to rip, sir,

the pageboy before you,

the one in the chair.

COUNT

My head spins before me,

it’s all in mid-air.

COUNTESS

This can’t be the story,

Susanna was there!

SUSANNA

They donít know the story,

they’re all unaware.

COUNT

It’s empty?

SUSANNA

Go figure, if no one was there.

COUNT

We’ll see then, if someone is there.

(Count exits into closet.)

COUNTESS

Susanna, where is he?

I’m dying from worry!

SUSANNA

He left in a hurry,

he’s safe now, I swear.

(The Count re-enters.)

COUNT

Mistakes have been made here.

It’s all so bizarre.

If I’ve been offensive,

forgive me, my darling,

but never play a joke on me,

or catch me unaware!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Behavior like yours

would be punished anywhere!

COUNT

I love you!

COUNTESS

Donít say it!

COUNT

I swear it!

COUNTESS

You’re lying!

I’m faithless, unholy,

I live to disgrace you!

COUNT

Please help me, Susanna,

to make her forget.

SUSANNA

Suspicions like yours

bring unending regret.

COUNTESS

The way that you treat me,

to tell me you love me,

and now try to cheat me

to pay off your debt!

COUNT

Please help me, Susanna,

to make her forget.

SUSANNA

Suspicions like yours

bring unending regret.

Signora!

COUNT

Rosina!

COUNTESS

You heartless—

That girl lives no longer!

I’m now just an object,

no longer “Rosina,”

abandoned and cherished

no more than a pet.

COUNT, SUSANNA

Confused and repentant,

already tormented,

have pity, forbear!

COUNTESS

You’re heartless!

To be so resented,

my soul cannot bear!

COUNT

The boy in the closet?

COUNTESS

Was just our provoking!

COUNT

The trembling, the nervousness?

COUNTESS

Was our little joking!

COUNT

This note from anonymous??

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

That’s Figaro’s letter,

delivered by Basilio!

COUNT

Son of a bitch! He’d better...

SUSANNA, COUNT

You won’t be forgiven

unless you forgive!

COUNT

Well, then, I’ll forgive him,

and we’ll call it even—

Rosina is my goddess

who for love hears my prayer.

COUNTESS

My goodness (We women), Susanna

we’re far too soft-hearted—

if wives can’t stay angry,

why should husbands care?

SUSANNA

With husbands, signora,

we tremble, we flutter,

we still get our way

and they’re still unaware.

COUNT

Please look at me!

COUNTESS

Ungrateful!

COUNT

Please look at me!

COUNTESS

Ungrateful!

COUNT

Please look at me!!!

I’m sorry, I’m repenting—

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT

There’s nothing preventing

complete understanding

and love everywhere.

(Figaro enters.)

FIGARO

My lordship, we’re waiting

to start celebrating.

The dance band is tuning,

the singers are crooning,

and all of your peasants

are bringing their presents

correctly expecting the bride to appear.

COUNT

Hold on, keep it steady.

FIGARO

The bridesmaids are ready!

COUNT

Hold on, now,

I need you to give me some info

as long as you’re here.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

I’m thinking we’re sinking,

disaster is near.

COUNT

Acutely, astutely,

I must persevere.

Can you tell me, Signor Figaro,

what this letter’s all about?

FIGARO

I know nothing, I know nothing.

SUSANNA

You know nothing?

FIGARO

No.

COUNTESS

You know nothing?

FIGARO

No.

COUNT

You know nothing?

FIGARO

No.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT

You know nothing?

FIGARO

No, no, no!

SUSANNA

Didn’t you give it to Basilio?

COUNTESS

To deliver?

COUNT

You remember?

FIGARO

No, I donít, no, I donít.

SUSANNA

You remember, handsome lover...

COUNTESS

...secret meeting in the garden?

COUNT

Get the picture?

FIGARO

No, I donít, and I won’t!

COUNT

Cease your lame, inane excuses!

Your own face itself accuses,

absolutely insincere.

FIGARO

My face lies, ’cause I’m not lying.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

You had just as well admit it,

this time you have been outwitted,

we have made our secrets clear.

COUNT

What’s your answer?

FIGARO

Nothing, nothing.

COUNT

Aren’t you guilty?

FIGARO

Donít admit it.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

It’s all over now, you idiot,

no more comic atmosphere!

FIGARO

If the comedy is over,

it’s the ending we’re forgetting:

it’s time to have the wedding,

just like Twelfth Night by Shakespeare.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

Come, Signor, it’s customary,

You extraordinary peer.

COUNT

Marcellina, Marcellina,

Why the hell are you not here?

(Antonio enters, drunk.)

ANTONIO

Ah, Signor, Signor!

COUNT

What’s the matter?

ANTONIO

Look at this, who would do this, ah, who?

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO

Oh my god, tell us all, what has happened?

ANTONIO

Listen to me!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT, FIGARO

We’re listening to you!

ANTONIO

From the balcony over the garden,

People throw all their trash without thinking,

But now while I was standing there drinking,

Someone threw a whole man into view!

(or, Came a man flying right into view!)

COUNT

From this window??

ANTONIO

Just look at these geraniums!

COUNT

In the garden?

ANTONIO

Si!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Figaro, think now!

COUNT

What the hell now?

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

He may cause a stink now—

Why allow such a hullaballoo?

COUNT

So this man—I can’t think—this is stunning!

ANTONIO

Down he jumped, then the bastard was running,

He ran faster than I could pursue.

SUSANNA

Cherubino...

FIGARO

I know, I was watching,

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

COUNT

What’s with you?

ANTONIO

Why’re you laughing?

FIGARO

You’re as drunk as a skunk in a stew!

COUNT

Let’s get back to our interview...

A man from the window?

ANTONIO

From the window.

COUNT

In the garden?

ANTONIO

Yes, I think so.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

But, Signor, you can smell him, he’s stinko!

COUNT

Keep on talking, keep on talking!

’D you see what he looked like?

ANTONIO

No, I didn’t.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Olá! Figaro, listen!

COUNT

No?

ANTONIO

Sure didn’t.

FIGARO

You big crybaby, now pay attention,

Over nothing you’re causing a riot—

Since it obviously can’t be kept quiet,

It was I who jumped into view!

COUNT, ANTONIO

What, you did it?

FIGARO

Yes, it’s true.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

The man’s such a genius!

COUNT

The thing doesn’t figure...

ANTONIO

How did you get to be so much bigger?

No, you looked not so big, sort of small.

FIGARO

Ah, that’s how people look when they fall.

ANTONIO

Yeah, who says so?

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Why is he such a killjoy?

COUNT

Wait, go back there!

ANTONIO

He looked more like the pageboy...

COUNT

Cherubin!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Curse and damn you! Curse and damn you!

FIGARO

I donít think so, I donít think so,

Cherubino is safely on horseback,

On his way to Seviglia, of course.

ANTONIO

Donít be stupid, I think I’d have noticed

If he jumped out of here on a horse.

COUNT

Give me patience!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Oh, my god!

COUNT

Surrounded by fruitcakes!

(or, Let’s end all this nonsense!)

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Will this day never end?

COUNT

So, then you...

FIGARO

Jumped on through...

COUNT

Ah, but why?

FIGARO

Utter fear.

COUNT

Utter fear?

FIGARO

It’s amusing—

I came in for Susanna, to get her,

Then the sounds of impending intrusion—

You were shouting—I thought of the letter—

So I jumped out of fear and confusion...

And I pulled all the... things... in my... knee...

(He limps unconvincingly about.)

ANTONIO

So this paper I found in the garden,

Did you lose it?

COUNT

Olá! Give that to me!

FIGARO

What a predicament, what a predicament!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Figaro, think fast, Figaro, think fast!

COUNT

Well, look here! What’s this paper we see?

FIGARO

Just a minute, I’m thinking, there’re so many...

ANTONIO

It’s a list of the money you owe people!

FIGARO

No, a list of your taverns!

COUNT

Keep talking, and you leave us now.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

Leave us now, get going!

ANTONIO

I will leave, but you’d better not cross me!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT

Out of here!

FIGARO

Then you’d better stay out of my way!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT

Out of here!

ANTONIO

Oh yeah, what will you do to me, toss me?

FIGARO

I will open your brains for display!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, COUNT

Out of here, get going!

(Antonio leaves.)

COUNT

Well, then...

COUNTESS

That’s right, it’s the page’s commission!

SUSANNA

Cherubino’s commission!

COUNT

Have courage!

FIGARO

Ah, such memory!

That there’s the commission,

That the boy left with me on his way.

COUNT

Ah, but why, sir?

FIGARO

It needed...

COUNT

It needed?

COUNTESS

Him to sign it!

SUSANNA

Him to sign it!

COUNT

Your answer?

FIGARO

It’s the custom...

COUNT

Are you wetting your pants, sir?

FIGARO

It’s custom for you, sir, to sign it!

COUNT

This is maddening, but who is behind it?

They are hiding the whole thing from me.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

If I make it through turbulent weather,

Maybe it’s a safe landing for me.

FIGARO

Poor man’s now reached the end of his tether,

He’s more in the dark even than me.

(Marcellina, Basilio, and Bartolo barge in.)

MARCELLINA, BASILIO, BARTOLO

Good Signore, we come for justice!

Say our legal case you’ll hear!

COUNT

This new plot twist is much more clever,

I just know it will bring me cheer!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS

Ah, despite our best endeavor,

They have come to interfere!

FIGARO

Would you look at these three stooges?

Have they come to entertain?

COUNT

Now without your subterfuges,

We’ll let everyone explain.

MARCELLINA

See the contract that he’s signed here,

It’s designed to be unbroken

With his promises unspoken,

And I want to make it clear!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

You are joking!

COUNT

Olá! Silenzio, silenzio, silenzio!

We’ll have justice, have no fear!

BARTOLO

As her lawyer, I’ll defend her

And intend to publicize it

So the world will recognize him

As a scheming profiteer!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

He’s a liar, he’s a liar!

COUNT

Olá! Silenzio, silenzio, silenzio!

We’ll have justice, have no fear!

BASILIO

As a man who’s known for living

Well, I’m giving testimony

That he promised matrimony

If he couldn’t pay the dear!

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

This is awful, can’t you see that they’re all crazy?

COUNT

Olá! If you all still want to pursue it,

Give the contract me to me, I’ll review it.

I’ll be fair, if it takes all year.

SUSANNA, COUNTESS, FIGARO

Now, confusion, agitation,

leads to our annihilation!

Surely Satan and his demons

Came from hell and brought them here!

MARCELLINA, BASILIO, COUNT, BARTOLO

See how truth itself exposes

Triumph right before our noses!

Some divine, angelic power

Safe from heaven brought us/them here!

End of ACT II