FIGARO
Three feet...
Six feet...
nine feet...
thirteen...
seventeen feet...
Okay, lets see...
SUSANNA
Look, I think Im finally finished,
with this hat I made for me.
FIGARO
Three feet...
SUSANNA
Look at me, my darling Figaro.
FIGARO
Six feet...
SUSANNA
Look at me, my darling Figaro.
FIGARO
Nine feet...
SUSANNA
Look at me...
FIGARO
Thirteen...
SUSANNA
Look at me,
don’t you think my hat is fetching?
FIGARO
Seventeen feet...
SUSANNA
Don’t you think my hat is fetching?
FIGARO
Looks right to me.
SUSANNA
Look at me, my darling Figaro,
don’t you think my hat is fetching?
FIGARO
Ah, but look at the plans I am sketching,
plans Im making just for you.
SUSANNA
Look, I think Im finally finished
with this hat I made for me.
FIGARO
Ah, but look at the plans I am making
just for you.
SUSANNA, FIGARO
On the dawning of the morning of our wedding,
And of all the joys were bound to find upon it,
Heres the first of them, this fetching little bonnet,
Which Susanna has made for today.
RECITATIVE
SUSANNA
Tell me, what were you measuring over there,
my little Figaro?
FIGARO
Im seeing if the bed his lordships giving to us,
whether it will look good here in our new chamber.
SUSANNA
You mean this chamber?
FIGARO
Sure thinganother present from our generous patron.
SUSANNA
Ill return it to you, then.
FIGARO
You have a reason?
SUSANNA
Oh, my reasons up here.
FIGARO
This reason, why cant you share it with me?
SUSANNA
Cause I dont want to!
Are you my servant or not?
FIGARO
But I dont get itI dont see your objections
the best room in the palace, big and roomy...
SUSANNA
Because I am Susanna,
and you are loony!
FIGARO
Thank you! Leave off the smartmouth,
and you will see why this is perfect
for our situation.
FIGARO
Some evening, our lady might feel a little hungry,
Ding ding! Ding ding!
Just two hops and youre there by her side.
And what if his lordship needs me to get the horses?
Dong dong! Dong dong!
In three bounces, Im ready to ride!
SUSANNA
Imagine, some morning the Count is feeling horny.
Ding ding! Ding ding!
Youre away on some errand or such.
Ding ding! Dong dong!
Dong dong, soon that bastard comes running even faster,
And then with three bounces--
FIGARO
Susanna, hush, hush!
SUSANNA
You listening?
FIGARO
Im listening.
SUSANNA
Ill tell you whats happening,
But calm your suspicions, and don’t have a cow.
FIGARO
So tell me whats happening,
But all my suspicions will bother me now.
RECITATIVE
SUSANNA
All right then, shut up and listen!
FIGARO
Go on, tell me whats happening.
SUSANNA
Our Signor Count tires of going
hunting for new beauties
in the countryside here,
so hes thinking of trying
once again here in the castle.
And so is it his Countess
though youd think so
who excites his new passion?
FIGARO
So who is it?
SUSANNA
That would be your Susanna!
FIGARO
Not you?
SUSANNA
Me, and no other. Hes really hoping
that his charming little project
will be helped by our convenient proximity!
FIGARO
Bravo! Please, keep on going.
SUSANNA
His generosity, all his attentions,
are not for you, but your lovable Susanna.
FIGARO
One should beware such charitable manna!
SUSANNA
Wait, thoughtheres even better!
Don Basilio, my singing teacher
and part-time pander,
when he gives me my lesson,
sings the Counts unchanging love song,
every day.
FIGARO
Who, Basilio? Oh, that pervert!
SUSANNA
You really thought the Count donated my dowry
for your devoted service?
FIGARO
Could be I sort of thought so...
SUSANNA
He wants to trade me:
I get my dowry in exchange for a favor,
that the lord of the manor...
FIGARO
What the... those feudal rights
that have long been abolished?
SUSANNA
Perhaps, but change is constant,
and hell regain those rights,
starting with me.
FIGARO
Bravo, so be it,
my caring lord and master
we are at your beck and call
you may discover...
[The bell rings.]
FIGARO
Whos ringing? The Countess.
SUSANNA
Addio, addio, Fi- Fi- Figaro dearest!
FIGARO
Have courage, my beloved
SUSANNA
And stay alert now!
[Susanna exits]
FIGARO
Bravo, my noble patron
Im catching on now
all the mystery lightens
I see all of the charming details of your little project:
Were off to London...
you, the minister...
I, the courier...
And my Susanna...
your secret ambassadress?
Not a chance, not a chance
Figaro has spoken!
FIGARO
Dance with me, Count, and youll learn a new tango,
Such a fandango you never have known, sir, youve never known.
If youll go dancing, youll learn to trot, sir,
Not a gavotte, sir, one of my own!
Come on! But easy, easy, easy, easy!
But undercover, I might discover whats going on...
Soon youll be dizzy, mad to distraction,
Ill keep you busy, endless reaction,
All of your plotting by me overthrown.
Dance with me, Count, etc.
[Figaro exits. Marcellina and Bartolo enter.]
RECITATIVE
BARTOLO
You might have told me sooner...
instead of waiting till now
its the day of their wedding!
MARCELLINA
Ah, my dear doctor, I see no real impediment.
More marriages than one
have been canned later than this
One needs only a good reason,
and Ive got that here,
with my rock-solid contract...
and certain promises...
that my love...
Basta!
If we harrass Susanna all day
and find a way to cause a disruption
between them and his Lordship
in order to get vengeance
he will come down on my side,
and Figaro will find himself my husband.
BARTOLO
Excellent!
Give the contract to me
I will peruse it
and together we will win this!
(Nothing could give me more pleasure
than to marry my old servant
to the man who cheated me
out of marrying Rosina!)
BARTOLO
Now, Ive got him! Oh, how Ive got him!
Wise men know how sweet is vengeance!
Fools without full comprehension
never taste it, and nor they should.
With attention, with invention,
With offenses, and expenses,
I can do it, Ill beat him senseless!
If Ive been misunderstood,
Let me make it understood.
Digging through cases for clarification,
Ill cover our bases for alienation,
With all the red-taping, delibrate misshaping,
There is no escaping, as if he could!
All of Seviglia knows Doctor Bartolo!
That loser Figaro, goes down for good!
[Bartolo exits. Susanna enters.]
RECITATIVE
MARCELLINA
Nothing can stop me from winning!
My hopes are higher than ever.
Ah, Susanna is coming!
What should I do here?
Ill pretend I do not see her.
(loudly)
Ah, such a darling thing
he is taking for a wife!
SUSANNA
Talking about me!
MARCELLINA
It just seems to me that my Figaro
could have done better...
but money talks.
SUSANNA
What a demon!
Is she evil, or drunk, or simply stupid?
MARCELLINA
Bravo, heres justice for you
her eyes are so modest,
and such pious behavior,
and yet...
SUSANNA
I think Ill leave!
MARCELLINA
All the men crave her!
(or, Ill still outbrave her!)
MARCELLINA
Oh look, your new gown,
Im surprised by its whiteness!
SUSANNA
Indeed, the whole town
would be stunned by your politeness!
MARCELLINA
You first through the doorway...
SUSANNA
No, no, after you!
MARCELLINA
You first through the doorway...
SUSANNA
No, no, after you!
MARCELLINA, SUSANNA
I know how things go,
Oh, and I know what good manners can do!
MARCELLINA
The maiden in waiting!
SUSANNA
Respectable matron!
MARCELLINA
The Counts precious plaything!
SUSANNA
All Spain could be your patron!
MARCELLINA
Your figure, dear...
SUSANNA
Fashion-plate...
MARCELLINA
Your work here...
SUSANNA
Your age!
MARCELLINA
By God, let me slap her now,
Im blind, Im blinded by rage!
SUSANNA
You foolish old woman, youd be laughed off a stage!
MARCELLINA
But really, your gown,
how surprising its whiteness!
SUSANNA
You know the whole town
wont believe your politeness!
MARCELLINA
The maiden in waiting!
SUSANNA
Respectable matron!
MARCELLINA
The Counts latest plaything!
SUSANNA
All Spain could be your patron!
MARCELLINA
Your figure, dear...
SUSANNA
Fashion-plate...
MARCELLINA
Your work here...
SUSANNA
Your age!
MARCELLINA
By God, let me slap her now,
Im blind, Im blinded by rage!
SUSANNA
Your age! Your age! Your age!
You foolish old woman, youd be laughed off a stage!
MARCELLINA
(I cant wait to slap her face
Im blinded by rage
Im ready to slap her face,
Im blinded by rage)
[Marcellina exits.]
RECITATIVE
SUSANNA
Go on, you old schoolmarm!
You ill-tempered old pedant!
Just because youve read two books
and tutored my mistress in her youth...
CHERUBINO
Susannetta, that you?
SUSANNA
Sure is, what are you doing here?
CHERUBINO
Ah, my heart what a tragedy!
SUSANNA
Your heart? What has happened?
CHERUBINO
Yesterday morning, the Count found me
alone with Barbarina,
so hes sending me into exile!
And if my beloved Countess,
the most lovely of women,
doesnt intercede for me,
I have to leave
Ill see you neer again, dearest Susanna!
SUSANNA
Never more to see me?
Bravo! So youve given up on loving Madame,
without whose tenderness
you would cease from breathing?
CHERUBINO
Ah, the total respect inspired by Madame!
Oh lucky you, you see her whenever you want to,
you who dress her in the morning,
you undress her in the evening,
you pin up her hair,
tie on her lace...
Ah, to do what you do!
(sees ribbon)
Whats that there? Let me see it!
SUSANNA
Oh, just a pretty little ribbon and the night cap...
of your beautiful Madame.
CHERUBINO
Oh, give it me, my sister,
give it for pitys sake!
(snatches ribbon)
SUSANNA
Hey, give it back!
CHERUBINO
O, dearest, O sweetest,
O most fortunate of ribbons!
Ill never give thee up,
unless I die first
SUSANNA
Are you insane or stupid?
CHERUBINO
Please let me keep it!
If you let me keep it,
I will give you this little song Ive written.
SUSANNA
And what is it about?
CHERUBINO
About my love for Madame,
my undying love for you,
my love for Barbarina, Marcellina,
Im even in love with the other pages!
SUSANNA
Poor little Cherubino
you are outrageous!
CHERUBINO
I don’t know where I am, what Im doing,
And it feels like my head is unscrewing,
Every girl and every woman excite me,
Every woman makes my heart hit the floor.
O, my soul and its wayward reflections
Leads me off in unwanted directions.
Sinking in passion, my heart turns and bites me,
My desire grows somehow even more.
Not a moment my head isnt humming,
I don’t know if Im going or coming,
Every girl and every woman excite me,
Every woman makes my heart hit the floor.
I sing of love when waking,
I sing of love when sleeping,
To water, shadows, mountains,
To flowers, grass, and fountains,
To echoes, air, and breezes,
Until my singing eases
Love I have never known.
And if theres no one near me,
If no ones near to hear me,
I do it on my own, alone,
I do it all alone.
RECITATIVE
(The Count is heard approaching.)
CHERUBINO
Geez, Im done for!
SUSANNA
Oh my God!
Its the Count, hes coming in here!
(Cherubino hides in a chair; Susanna covers him with a blanket.)
COUNT
(Enters)
Susanna, you seem upset
is there anything the matter?
SUSANNA
Signor, I beg your pardon...
but... if someone...
saw you in here...
please leave me alone!
(While neither is looking, Cherubino slips out of the chair to hide behind it.)
COUNT
Just a minute, then Ill leave you
listen
SUSANNA
No, I wont listen!
COUNT
Just two words, dear:
You know the king has made me
his ambassador to London,
and Im thinking that Figaro should go with me.
SUSANNA
Signor, I beg you
COUNT
Speak, oh speak to me, dearest,
and with the right you have assumed over me
for as long as you live, command me!
Demand!
SUSANNA
Leave me alone, Signor!
The right you speak of,
I dont claim it, nor intend to...
Oh, Im so unhappy!
COUNT
Ah, no, Susanna,
I want to make you happy!
You know how much I love you
Basilio has told you everything
now listen: if you could come to the garden
for a few moments later on this evening
Ah, what wouldnt I give for such a meeting!
BASILIO
(Out in the hall)
I think he went in here...
COUNT
Who is that?
SUSANNA
Oh heavens!
COUNT
Quickly! Dont let him in here!
SUSANNA
I cant leave you alone here!
BASILIO
With Madama, probably...
Ill ask Susanna.
COUNT
Ill hide behind this chair.
(Susanna meets him behind the chair, holding the blanket up. Cherubino slips around to hide in the chair again.)
SUSANNA
You cannot hide there!
COUNT
Quiet!
(He pops up as Susanna covers Cherubino.)
And get rid of that idiot!
SUSANNA
Oh geez! What are you doing?
(Basilio enters.)
BASILIO
Susanna, heavn be with you
By any chance have you seen his Lordship?
SUSANNA
And why on earth would I have seen his Lordship?
Just go away!
BASILIO
Just a minute
Listen, your Figaro is looking for him.
SUSANNA
(Oh, heavens!)
Hes looking for the man who hates him
more than you do.
COUNT
(Lets see how well he serves me.)
BASILIO
Ive never heard of any moral law stating
he who loves the wife must therefore hate the husband.
Which means: his Lordship loves you...
SUSANNA
Get out of here, you pander!
Serving other peoples garbage!
I want no part of your slimy moral system,
nor the Count, nor of his love!
BASILIO
Hey, no offense, man!
Different strokes for different folks
I find it funny you dont prefer a grown man as a lover
just like the other women
someone generous, and full of discretion
to some young stripling, to a pageboy...
SUSANNA
Who, Cherubino?
BASILIO
Sure, Cherubinoour little cherub damore,
who, by the way, was sighted on his way
this very morning to your chamber.
SUSANNA
Youre a liar! Thats malicious gossip!
BASILIO
Im a liar and a gossip just because Ive eyes in my head?
That charming song hes singing
just between you and me, dear,
you can tell me, I can keep your little secret
he sings for you? or for the Countess?
SUSANNA
(How did he know about that?)
BASILIO
Apropos, my dear student,
better teach him discretion:
at dinner hes staring, smitten, at Madama.
Hes so brazen about it
that the Count begins to notice
and in these matters, as we all know,
he is a terror.
SUSANNA
Nasty reptile! How can you invent such
untrue and scandalous rumors?
BASILIO
I? Such injustice!
What I tell, I also hear
its only what theyre all saying
my storys solid as granite...
COUNT
So
What are they saying?
BASILIO
Oh, goodness!
SUSANNA
Oh, damn it!
COUNT
What the hell now?
Go and find him, Cherubino, and kick him out.
Go, just go and kick the little bastard out!
BASILIO
Don’t you know now, I should go now,
You can find me, oh, hereabout...
SUSANNA
Aggravation, botheration,
Oh, which I can do without!
(Pretends to faint.)
BASILIO & COUNT
Ah, this is too much excitement!
How could she keep from passing out?
COUNT
Maybe we should give her brandy.
SUSANNA
Ah, where am I? Geez, unhand me!
If you don’t, Im going to shout!
BASILIO
Please, my dear, do calm your anger,
Of your virtue, there is no doubt.
COUNT
Please, my dear, do calm your anger,
In your worship, Im most devout.
BASILIO
Sir, the page boy, that I mentioned...
It was gossip, though well-intentioned.
SUSANNA
Youre insidious, and so perfidious!
Don’t believe this lying lout!
COUNT
Out he goes, I don’t mean maybe!
SUSANNA & BASILIO
Oh, poor baby!
COUNT
Out he goes, I don’t mean maybe!
SUSANNA & BASILIO
Oh, poor baby!
COUNT
Right, poor baby!
That poor baby is a libertine throughout!
SUSANNA & BASILIO
Really? How?
COUNT
Well, yesterday, then,
I go to your cousins cottage.
I knock.
Barbarina is there, but seems more sheepish... than usual.
This arouses my suspicions.
I search everywhere, but nothing!
Then as gently s I am able,
Lift the cover of her dressing table...
Theres that pageboy!
(Uncovers Cherubino in the chair.)
This is the limit!
SUSANNA
Ah, cruel heavens!
BASILIO
Ah, what an encore!
COUNT
Wheres that virtue now, signora?
SUSANNA
My life worsens by the minute!
COUNT
Ill just test it, if I may.
SUSANNA
Will I make it through the day?
BASILIO
We are dealing with a woman;
There is nothing more to say.
Sir, this pageboy,
I just mentioned,
It was gossip,
Though well-intentioned.
RECITATIVE
COUNT
Basilio, make tracks and find our dear Figaro this instant.
I want him to see...
SUSANNA
Oh, I think he should! Go get him!
COUNT
Hold on therewhats your angle?
With all this evidence, whats the point of denying it?
SUSANNA
Dont you worry about what Ill say.
(indicates Cherubino.)
COUNT
How long has he been here?
SUSANNA
He was already with me when you got here.
He came here begging, wanting me to ask the Countess
to ask your forgiveness,
and when you entered, he went into a panic
so he hid himself beneath the blanket.
COUNT
But I sat there myself as soon as I came in here.
CHERUBINO
Oh, at first I was hiding there behind it.
COUNT
And when I... had reason to be there?
CHERUBINO
I quickly slipped around, hiding in the first place.
COUNT
Great Caesar! This little weasel
heard everything Ive been saying!
CHERUBINO
I tried my best to be inconspicuous.
COUNT
Good-for-nothing...!
BASILIO
Control yourselfsomeones coming.
COUNT
Well, as for you, dont move, little delinquent!
(In comes a hastily assembled chorus of peasants and servants, led by Figaro. They are not even close to competent.)
Come, sing, young maidens,
Scatter your flowers:
Thank this good lord of ours,
Our grand signor.
Kind, thrifty, reverent,
Clean, brave, and cheerful,
Loyal, obedient,
Hes all these things and more,
Helpful and courteous,
All these and more.
Come, sing, young maidens,
Scatter your flowers:
Thank this good lord of ours,
Our grand signor,
Goodness galore,
Our grand signor!
RECITATIVE
COUNT
Whats up with the commedia?
FIGARO
(to Susanna)
How are we doing?
Just back me up here, darling.
SUSANNA
Its pretty hopeless!
FIGARO
Signor, dont reject
this declaration of appreciation,
so deserved by your lordship,
since you abolished that lordly right
so detested by all lovers.
COUNT
That right was hardly a right
whats the commotion?
FIGARO
Here we stand to be symbols
of your liberality and your wisdom.
Our little wedding is prepared to do you justice
all you have to do is give away this maiden,
who, untouched by lord or man,
will be dressed in gown of purity,
with its emblematic whiteness.
COUNT
(Diabolically clever! But I must play the game!)
Its gratifying to be so well thought of...
but I really dont deserve it
neither praise nor tribute
those rights you speak of have been gone for generations
and I need hardly say were distasteful to me.
ALL
Eviva, eviva, eviva!
SUSANNA
Such virtue.
FIGARO
Such justice.
COUNT
And for your wedding, Ill give the bride away...
after a brief postponement.
I have to make sure all the arrangements have been readied
for the most magnificent wedding ever.
(Marcellina, get your butt here!)
Till then, dear friends!
No. 8a: Chorus
Come, sing, young maidens,
Scatter your flowers:
Thank this good lord of ours,
Our grand signor.
Kind, thrifty, reverent,
Clean, brave, and cheerful,
Loyal, obedient,
Hes all these things and more,
Helpful and courteous,
All these and more.
Come, sing, young maidens,
Scatter your flowers:
Thank this good lord of ours,
Our grand signor,
Goodness galore,
Our grand signor!
RECITATIVE
FIGARO
Eviva!
SUSANNA
Eviva!
BASILIO
Eviva!
FIGARO
(to Cherubino)
And you are not rejoicing?
SUSANNA
Hes ever so heartbroken
because his lordships banished him forever!
FIGARO
On such a happy occasion!
SUSANNA
On the day of our wedding!
FIGARO
Now, when everyone sings your praises!
CHERUBINO
Perdono, O signor!
COUNT
You dont deserve it.
SUSANNA
Hes just a little boy!
COUNT
Not as much as you think.
CHERUBINO
Its true, Im guilty,
but one more chance, I promise...
COUNT
OkayI will forgive you.
And in fact, Ill do more.
There is a vacant officers post in my regiment,
and you can have it, its yours, take it.
And leave now.
SUSANNA, FIGARO
Ah, till tomorrow morning...
COUNT
No, he leaves pronto!
CHERUBINO
I am ready to obey you, my lordship.
COUNT
Go and hug for the last time your beloved Susanna.
(They werent expecting this one!)
(The Count and Basilio exit.)
FIGARO
Ehi, capitano! Shake my hand like a man...
(I need to see you before you leave.)
Addio, our little Cherubino!
Youve just crapped out with snake eyes
in Lifes casino!
FIGARO
Pack your bags, hit the road, go on, leave us!
Say goodbye to the girls and their flirting.
Though I know that your hurting is grievous,
March away anyway without fear!
Say goodbye to the trendiest fashions,
No more pre-adolescent vexations,
no indulging in musical passions,
Say hello to your brilliant career.
You, a soldier, drunk and swearing,
grow a mustache, prove your daring,
You, a captain, practice shooting
with your privates, all saluting.
It's an honordefend your nation,
but alas, no compensation!
Instead of dancing for enjoyment,
Youll be marching toward deployment!
All that marching, all that training,
When its sunny, when its raining,
On you go with your campaigning,
So you fill your time remaining
With your bitching and complaining,
Till youre silenced ever more!
Cherubino, on to glory,
on to glory of the war!
End of ACT I